A relationship that probably will never be
“By the way, I think you always sound very nice on the phone, I would like to see the face, “I said.
I was surprised by my wishes, and so obviously you were but I wanted to know who you are.
And you felt the same, because a few emails and WhatsApp messages later, I was finally at your door the next day after work.
Curious and a little insecure
The first nervousness soon subsided and we hit it off right away. The attraction between us was also noticeable on the first evening.
I said goodbye to you late at night with a tight hug, my cheek pressed to yours, inhaling your scent deeply.
Our next meeting came two days later. At your home again. The current circumstances made it impossible to meet in a café and the weather did not call for a walk either.
I wanted to take it slow, I told you. I just got out of a relationship and wasn’t looking for anything new.
Not for something serious and even less for non-binding fun. Still, I wanted to let my heart decide what would feel good to me.
This time I stayed the night, even though that’s exactly what I didn’t want to do. But the sudden snowfall made my decision for me.
Love feelings right from the start
More unforgettable evenings and nights with you followed. So much closeness, emotions, passion, and always that loving feeling that was there from the beginning.
Although everything went incredibly fast, I just couldn’t get enough of you – A remark that you gently whispered into my ear in the morning.
I wasn’t sure if we would be a good match, but I was happy and it all felt incredibly good with you.
We still share the same feelings till today, after several weeks. At least in the hours when we see each other but around it, our story now feels kind of strange.
Apologies and lack of explanation
Communication with you is slow and tiring. Arranging meetings with you in advance is next to impossible.
You are often tired and drained, fall asleep on the couch, or sleep through a Saturday off while I am waiting for a message from you and want to see you.
More and more often you don’t even write back. Then apologies follow, but never correct explanations.
I’ve had enough interpersonal experience to be able to judge that this is not the normal and healthy contact between the two of us, which two people who are approaching should have.
You say stress at work and a lot of supposedly unsolvable problems in your life that you unfortunately only rudimentarily talk about.
But which seem to make it impossible for you to enter into a steady romantic relationship.
You say you have fallen on your face too often in life, you lack the energy to hold on to something that experience has shown will fail anyway. No chance to give yourself the courage and convince yourself otherwise.
Do I deserve this?
My friends tell me that I’m too good for something like that, I don’t need to persuade myself.
There would be enough men out there who would give me the attention I deserve. But who decides what you “deserve”? Who then determines a person’s worth?
Of what use is the perfect communication and a life without worries if there is no sincerity?
And is a person with problems worthless because of the effort and the risk of getting hurt?
I tried to break the contact. The walls that you have built around you are insurmountable for me.
A week passed in absolute silence. A week in which a thousand questions went through my mind.
Whether your problems are that serious. Maybe your feelings are simply not enough for something binding. Or whether completely different things play a role that I have no idea about.
I’ve checked my smartphone countless times, checked whether you’re online, or checked my status.
And in the end, I cursed modern technology. How quickly communication can be made and how easily you can remove a person from your life.
I wrote to you again after all. I missed you and you missed me too.
We wrote for hours, all night until you finally stood in front of my door in the early morning.
Enjoying time with you
Nothing has changed at all. There is too much between us to be able to call it non-binding fun.
But unfortunately, there is not enough around it to create something serious, which you don’t want anyway. Or not able to.
And to be honest, I don’t know if you are the right one for me. I have decided to enjoy the few hours with you and not to shoot you out of my life.
What we share means too much to me. Maybe this is the wrong way to go.
Am I naive or Am I treading on the spot? Maybe. But who, besides myself, can ultimately judge that?